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Rich guy: I should be paying higher taxes. Also rich guy: has a team of accountants find every possible deduction to reduce taxes... 
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic. A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron!
The Lord moves in mysterious ways, but you don't have to. Use your turn signal!
Just want to wish all my single friends out there a very happy Independence Day!
Use the aging app on your kids and you may find out who the daddy is
Taking a dog named "Shark" to the beach is a very bad idea.
The older you get the more dating is like that final scene in The Shawshank Redemption where Red finally tells the Parole Board off.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Give her flowers. Women love watching a slow death.
Before Facebook, I never realized so many people had Birthdays...
Pringles: The only chip company that doesn’t sell air.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose. DENTIST: That's an egg beater.
If I end up getting the Coronavirus, I’d prefer to have it on the beach with a lime
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.
When I was a kid, my parents could only afford a secondhand calculator which was missing the 'X' button. Times were hard.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Half the day, I wonder if it's too late for coffee... The other half, I wonder if it's too early for alcohol
Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today, and nextday
I'm convinced that to become a realtor, the only required skill is to be able to look nothing like you do on your business card. 