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I’ve noticed many people are much more attractive wearing a mask. 
Well… This is one way to get Mexico to build that wall
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?.
Instead of turkey, I'm Having Grey Goose For Thanksgiving Dinner.
Wow. Hard to believe in only a month my wife and daughters will be returning the gifts I bought them.
STDs are not Pokémon, you don’t have to catch them all, Kim Kardashian.
I hate when people say "Well, it could have been worse." Well you know what, Becky? It could have been a hell of a lot better too!
So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?
I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling. . .
Wanna see awkward? Hand me a baby.
This job is really getting in the way of my naps.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you're going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you've already got it.
Not gonna brag but my neighbors don’t say hi to me
"Of course you can do a roundhouse kick!" - alcohol
I know I’m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get. 