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You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face. 
I’ve noticed many people are much more attractive wearing a mask.
Well… This is one way to get Mexico to build that wall
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?.
Wow. Hard to believe in only a month my wife and daughters will be returning the gifts I bought them.
My girl got naked and asked me to "Show her a good time." So I showed her Facebook pics of me with my friends the night before...
I just heard someone call an e-cigarette a "douche flute." Now my life is complete.
A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you "Notice anything different about my hair?"
I went to a gender reveal party yesterday and was immediately told to put my clothes back on...
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid "If you don't stop fussing I'm gonna make you spend christmas with this man" and then points at me causing him to cry harder
If you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it, I feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume.
Seeing a Camel Toe on a pair of leopard-print tights in Wal-mart is as close as I will ever get to going on an African safari.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don't want to have to redo the math themselves.
My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..
"Vitamin Water"?? Sorry bud, that exists and it's called SOUP
I've just been voted the most secretive person in the world... I can't tell you what it means to me.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY 