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I had my patience tested. I'm negative. 
I went to the doctor because I couldn’t stop listening to Tom Jones. He told me it’s not unusual
Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it's the stupid ones that need the advice?
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
My executive meeting with the cats in the board room was going so well, until I brought out the laser pointer to highlight my slide presentation
Wow. Hard to believe in only a month my wife and daughters will be returning the gifts I bought them.
Ladies, if three or more guys have called you crazy, you're crazy...
Are you supposed to sound like one of your parents when you sneeze?
Tanya Harding was taking a knee before it was cool.
Relationship status: Would get in the van
Costco: Where you can go broke saving money...
People who get offended on Facebook are the same people that take mini golf seriously
Today I saw a homeless man holding a sign that said "why live in a 100k home when I can live under a 3 million dollar bridge?" Now thats what I call being BOLD
Maybe, just maybe, if more teenagers got their mouths washed out with soap as a child by their parents, these idiots wouldn't be attempting a "Tide Pod Challenge" .....
How do nudist clean their glasses?
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they're thinking "Why don't you just eat ALL the food?"
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
All those Olympic curlers are headed back home now, where the wife is standing by the door with a mop and a broom saying "no more excuses"
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
Why do famous people get things for free if they’re the ones that can afford it? 