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Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
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08-24-2020 14:40
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Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
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09-08-2020 09:51
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Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other. Me: I need an extension.
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09-22-2020 08:13
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Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
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09-28-2020 09:41
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May your coffee kick in before reality does.
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09-30-2020 15:45
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Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
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09-30-2020 15:48
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Mama Bear: The porridge is ready Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
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10-01-2020 07:57
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“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please” -Veterinarians
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10-12-2020 16:03
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My back has gone out more than I have this year.
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10-21-2020 06:04
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The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
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11-10-2020 08:24
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Just checked my bank account and it looks like everyone is getting text messages for Christmas.
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12-20-2020 00:42 by
@svaldez187
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“once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like “once my kids clean their rooms.”
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01-26-2021 08:14
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I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
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02-18-2021 10:45
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STDs are not Pokémon, you don’t have to catch them all, Kim Kardashian.
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11-16-2021 15:05
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I hate when people say "Well, it could have been worse." Well you know what, Becky? It could have been a hell of a lot better too!
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11-18-2021 20:27
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Ladies, if three or more guys have called you crazy, you're crazy...
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10-19-2017 14:01
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Are you supposed to sound like one of your parents when you sneeze?
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10-20-2017 02:04
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Tanya Harding was taking a knee before it was cool.
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10-22-2017 06:02
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Relationship status: Would get in the van
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10-22-2017 06:03
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Costco: Where you can go broke saving money...
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01-08-2018 09:20
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