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Woke up and found Facebook sucks even more today then it did yesterday. Good Job ! 
just took an inventory of my body and it seems to be overstocked in all the wrong places
I didn't say it was the best sex I ever had,I said you did your best.
The thing that sucks about hanging out with my friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone and know how little I answer their texts.
What did one Blackberry user say to the other? Nothing!
Thinking about getting a tattoo of an arrow pointing to my farmer tan that reads "I work"
Apparently if you have my good looks and go to a nude beach everyone gets jealous and they make you put your clothing back on.
Breaking News: Nancy Grace calls in sick for work...
When humans mutilate and dismember each other in movies it's Rated R, but apparently when Autobots and Decepticons do it it's PG-13.
If a professional athlete wants more $ because they out play their contract then they should get less $ when they under play their contract.
I'm trying to solve a murder mystery, but the only clue is a broken calculator found at the crime scene . . . Something doesn't add up.
if the grass seems greener on the other side, it just means someone is using better manure
The only person I have to be better than is the person I was yesterday.
Looks like Jay-Z finally found that 100th problem.
Are you like me...are there people in your life alive only because you can't afford a good Hitman
Ah, Sarcasm. What would I ever do without you?
when contemplating a murder-suicide, always kill yourself first
nothing more say's you are a facebook stalker. Then updating your status with a girls name. When you meant to put it in the search box.
I only came here to do two things, kick some ass and drink some beer. Looks like we're almost outta beer.
When I got Internet, I started watching T.V. less and less. 