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Maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks because he thinks they are stupid 
Why is it that in the parking lot I can remember all 6 things my wife wanted me to pick up, but as soon as I am in the store I cant even remember 1?
Well, hello there Last Straw. I've been expecting you.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I'm protected against heartworms and fleas.
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
This Frito-Lay truck has a sign on back saying DRIVER CARRIES NO CASH and joke's on them. I am not interested in cash.
The larger the implants, the more likely women get confused by a push/pull door
So Ronda Rousey finally fulfilled her dream of being an actress on WWE. Congratulations.
I just saved a ton of money not spent at Disneyworld by making my kids stand in line in the backyard for 3 hours and then taking them to the bathroom.
If your post only says "I can't even" then I'm assuming the rest of it was meant to say "finish a complete sentence!"
wife [with me in a headlock] Stop saying “Dilly dilly”
Zuckerberg - the only time this year we've seen somebody apologise, and it wasn't for sexual harrasment!
Period pains? Try having a b0ner in jeans....
What I learned from the Grammys: Lady Gaga SILL terrifies me, Beyonce apparently has seizures while performing, Taylor Swift has some VERY adult teeth in her teen-aged mouth, & Lil Wayne was lookin like a fool with his pants on the ground!
There are going to be so many Snookis this year for Halloween. I think I will dress up as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face.
thinks that they should change the name of Starbucks to Fivebucks
There needs to be free birth control handed out at welfare offices...agreed??
Prank: Have 10 friends call the same phone # for a week & ask for Jim. Then call it yourself & say “this is Jim, do I have any messages?”
Mexican word of the day: Nacho, Hillary Clinton is Nacho President!
Everytime I enter a Plane I gotta ask the Arab sitting next to me if he Got plans for tomorrow. 