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If you said “all of my music is in the cloud” in the 1960s, it was due to mushrooms, not Apple. 
No f***ing way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.
Legally only qualifies as a hootenanny if it takes place in Kentucky or West Virginia.
You want to seduce me? Try a little Wicked Game by Chris Isaak.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most …
Can't wait til this election travesty is over so we can all get back to disliking each other for reasons other than poor political choices.
You know what clowns are afraid of? Bullets.
How to Defeat Bears: 1) Play dead. 2) Stand up tall. 3) Have them use Jay Cutler as their quarterback.
Guarantees in life: 1) Death. 2) A restaurant server will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill.
Don't date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
My wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it..
Social Media is a cruel and shallow disingenuous trench, a long cyber hallway where lies and anger run free, and good people are treated like dogs. There's also a negative side.
During times of Universal Deceit, Telling the Truth becomes a Revolutionary Act.
After five minutes of talking to you I can already tell that all these books on your shelves are just for decoration.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose's ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I don't have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that's followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Went to bed with a can of pringles, woke up and finished them. Always finish what you start. 