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The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem. 
You’ve been married more than 10 years so when your husband says he has big plans for you tomorrow he means he needs help cleaning the gutters
Why is ham the only lunch meat that gets its own radio
Arm wrestling your spouse for the last donut is not foreplay, I know this now.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Wife got me a heart-shaped pizza made with cauliflower crust, talk about mixed messaging.
OK. Who is the genius who decided to call them Dentures and not Substitooths?
What’s worse: a broken heart, or knowing you’ll never be flexible enough to roundhouse kick your boss in the face?
Tired of those Political Ads on television?...... You may be entitled to compensation.
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
You'd be surprised how much stolen Halloween candy you can fit in your mouth when you hear your kid coming.
America is in labor now, in a few short hours we will find out if it's a boy or a girl.
I hope America is happy. Canada doesnt want Whoopie either :/
Each mile you run adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 80 you can spend an extra 6 months in a nursing home at $10,000 per month.
I've always wanted to be one of those people who laughs all the way to the #bank, instead of one who cries every time he leaves.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
My elf on the shelf is just a credit card bill I move around to pretend I dealt with it.
Wish I were a little kid so I could take a long nap and everyone would just be proud of me.
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door. 