Funny Status Messages

   I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

   I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

   Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

   The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

   Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

   Joe looks like Nancy’s vagina.

   I'm shocked Barry Manilow announced he's gay. I thought he was dead.

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!

   This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.

   Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.

   Beginning to question my plans to go yachting with Robert Wagner this weekend.

   Exercising is basically hurting yourself until you build up an immunity to hurting yourself.

   Bought some unsalted almonds by accident today. Turns out, I like salt, not almonds.

   Maybe fewer big booty ho's at next years Grammy's??

   My Pride flag is up all year around, it's red, white, and blue. Merica' 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

   Mexican words of the day: Bishop and Lysol. “Would you please shut this Kamala Bishop, she Lysol the time.

   To those who truly believes that the burger police will come for you on the forth of july, please don't procreate.

   It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.

   The most expensive special election in Georgia history is over. The Republicans are laughing their Ossoff.

   Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.