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Well today was a total waste of makeup. 
If you’re assigned green beans for Thanksgiving then you’re the one who can’t cook
My wife just asked me for a divorce for Valentine’s Day. I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.
I graduated at the top of my anger management class
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't
Did you know oranges can be male or female? If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male and if it's bitter for no reason it's a female.
"I can dish it out, but I can't take it." - Lactose intolerant ice cream man
Things nobody ever said in the 1980s: "I lost my telephone."
No one ever questions how Mayor McCheese managed to keep his job while the citizens of his town were being eaten.
Often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Lazy rule #1: Can't reach it. Don't need it.
Remember that one time when Kanye West made a song dissing gold diggers? Then turned around and married the biggest gold digger in the country?
.... So .... Julian Assange just revealed that the guy behind the Leak of Hillary's Emails IS the guy that was murdered last week. Gee .... What are the chances?
For some reason, whenever I'm taking clothes out of the dryer, I have the urge to start singing "You gotta know when to Hold em', know when to Fold em'.....know when to walk away, know when to run....."
I can't wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they're jerks
It's not the people who vote that counts, it's the people who count the votes!
Earn extra cash from superstitious strangers by placing a wishing well in your front garden.
While their senses don’t work the same as human senses, plants can see, hear, react and think. Which is more then we can say for Congress.
Happy Earth Day. I'm did my part by vacuuming all of the dirt out of my car and putting it back on the ground where it belongs.
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried. 