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Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn't talk much and I like that. 
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
If you’re assigned green beans for Thanksgiving then you’re the one who can’t cook
My wife just asked me for a divorce for Valentine’s Day. I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.
No one ever questions how Mayor McCheese managed to keep his job while the citizens of his town were being eaten.
Often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Lazy rule #1: Can't reach it. Don't need it.
Remember that one time when Kanye West made a song dissing gold diggers? Then turned around and married the biggest gold digger in the country?
.... So .... Julian Assange just revealed that the guy behind the Leak of Hillary's Emails IS the guy that was murdered last week. Gee .... What are the chances?
For some reason, whenever I'm taking clothes out of the dryer, I have the urge to start singing "You gotta know when to Hold em', know when to Fold em'.....know when to walk away, know when to run....."
I can't wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they're jerks
It's not the people who vote that counts, it's the people who count the votes!
The older I get, the more sense it makes to have a TV in the bathroom.
People tell me to Get a Grip, then they get all pissed off when I put my hands around their neck.
The police department should replace their sirens with the national athem.
"I can dish it out, but I can't take it." - Lactose intolerant ice cream man
Things nobody ever said in the 1980s: "I lost my telephone."
I graduated at the top of my anger management class
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't
Did you know oranges can be male or female? If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male and if it's bitter for no reason it's a female. 