Funny Status Messages

   Cutting a hole in the bottom of a table with a saw to steal a pie is way harder than it looks in cartoons.

   You can't make this stuff up? Actually, you can... it's called lying.

   I need to start eating healthy but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so its not there to tempt me

   Hey kids, try the real Tide challenge. Get off your butt and wash your own clothes and fold them.

   As a parent you always worry that you want to raise your children to be productive members of society......and then you go to Walmart.

   The problem with a President Oprah is a Vice President Dr. Phil and a Surgeon General Dr. Oz.

   IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad died. He was 91. Funeral will be held as soon as we figure out how to put his coffin together.

   Facebook needs to make a "Slap you in the face with a dictionary" button

   NBA All Star Game: Fergie sang that National Anthem so bad, Collin Kaepernick stood up and told her not to disrespect the Anthem like that.

   This dentist just told me I need a crown, and it's a relief to finally start getting some recognition around here.

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it my illegal logging operation is a success.

   At this point, the only guy on the internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince.

   Website: We use cookies to improve performance. Me: Same

   Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

   My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

   My neighbors hate me because I still haven't taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

   Which fast food place has the softest napkins? Asking for a friend.

   The person who said "One person can't change the world" obviously never ate an under-cooked bat.

   I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

   If you are here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.