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Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home, they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. 
When you’re on your third “damn, that’s crazy” and they keep talking.
The CDC now recommends wearing your mask as a blindfold while pumping gas.
I never forget a face; but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
In France you don’t say “I miss you.” You say, “Tu me manques,” which means “you are missing from me.” I love that.
The bird flu? I hope so.
I fart on a first date.
Got a new book: “How to pretend to be normal.”
Lucky for you, mirrors can't laugh out loud.
Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.
My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.
As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I’m sure of, it will be misspelled and without punctuation.
If she starts drawing shapes on your chest after sex, just get up and leave. A very stupid question is coming.
I’m not here to fit into your world, I’m here to build my own world.
Coffee: More than four cups and you can talk to electricity.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Never forget where you came from, because that’s probably where you left your phone.
Might get crazy tonight and go to bed at 10 instead of 9.
IKEA needs to provide better descriptions on their furniture like, what is the divorce rate on assembling this 8-drawer dresser.
Moved the thermostat up one degree this morning as a little treat for the family. 