Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
When you think about it, isn't egg salad really chicken salad? 
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Even looking at LinkedIn's logo can result in an unsolicited email.
Beginning to question my plans to go yachting with Robert Wagner this weekend.
Half my Facebook friends have just become immigration lawyers within the past week!
From the size of the crowd I would say wrong again .
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
Better vote right on all the left stuff and left on all the right stuff every ten minutes. I’m extremely immature.
The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet
Elon Musk should be awarded the Gold Medal of Freedom.
Love may be blind, but It doesn't have to be stupid.
30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
I just saw the neighbor's kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn't supposed to.
I don't think this solar eclipse thing is going to happen. I think they just want us to put on these special glasses so we don't see the meteor coming...
Cutting a hole in the bottom of a table with a saw to steal a pie is way harder than it looks in cartoons.
You can't make this stuff up? Actually, you can... it's called lying. 