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There's a reason it's called "Girls Gone Wild" and not "Women Gone Wild". When girls go wild, they show their boobs because they want money. When women go wild, they kill men for insurance policies. 
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren't you Ice-T?"
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when the crook gave up and threw the gun at him?
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words... "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
My Olympic condoms have arrived - I wanted to wear a gold one, but the wife said "wear the silver one and come second for a change".
watching football the same way Colin Kaepernick does... sitting on my couch
In Iran, if a woman commits adultery she gets stoned to death. In the U.S., if a woman commits adultery she gets to be a guest on Jerry Springer.
Once a year you unknowingly pass the anniversary of your upcoming death. You're welcome.
Be nice to overweight people. They have a lot on their plate.
A fun prank for Halloween is to train your dog to sit and growl at the padlocked closet as your guests arrive
Kinda jealous how a rooster starts his day by screaming his head off, and we are all okay with that
I keep my credit cards in the refrigerator so they stay fresh past their expiration dates
Cinderella is really a creepy story once you realize she had some odd foot deformity that meant no one else in the kingdom could wear her slipper
Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn't sing it out loud in public
Ran out of post-it notes, now I don't know how to remind myself to buy more.
It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year
Dating is cuddling on the sofa. Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
Parental Pro-tip...Having trouble waking up your teenager? Unplug and pick up their phone. It wakes them up instantly
Real friends don’t rub it in. They rub it out. 