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If you say "I shouldn't be telling you this" at the beginning of a conversation people will pay attention to you. 
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face ..... I love Sharpie markers.
....... Rise of the Machines!!!! I just got replaced by a freakin Robot!!!! Well ... Technically my wife bought a vibrator but I still call it a Freakin Robot!
I've decided I'm going to stop getting stressed and start causing it instead.
My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea. They’re not the best medicine in the world, but they’re right up there.
I live in constant fear that Columbia House is going to send the repo man to get the cd's I never paid for .
As a kid, I often thought how cool oit would be to read other poeple's minds. Then came social media...I'm totally over that.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
Tough part of being vegan is getting up @ 5 am to milk the almonds...
Be nice to overweight people. They have a lot on their plate.
A fun prank for Halloween is to train your dog to sit and growl at the padlocked closet as your guests arrive
Kinda jealous how a rooster starts his day by screaming his head off, and we are all okay with that
I keep my credit cards in the refrigerator so they stay fresh past their expiration dates
Cinderella is really a creepy story once you realize she had some odd foot deformity that meant no one else in the kingdom could wear her slipper
Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn't sing it out loud in public
Ran out of post-it notes, now I don't know how to remind myself to buy more.
It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year
Dating is cuddling on the sofa. Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex. 