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My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea. They’re not the best medicine in the world, but they’re right up there. 
I live in constant fear that Columbia House is going to send the repo man to get the cd's I never paid for .
As a kid, I often thought how cool oit would be to read other poeple's minds. Then came social media...I'm totally over that.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
Tough part of being vegan is getting up @ 5 am to milk the almonds...
Be nice to overweight people. They have a lot on their plate.
A fun prank for Halloween is to train your dog to sit and growl at the padlocked closet as your guests arrive
Kinda jealous how a rooster starts his day by screaming his head off, and we are all okay with that
I keep my credit cards in the refrigerator so they stay fresh past their expiration dates
Cinderella is really a creepy story once you realize she had some odd foot deformity that meant no one else in the kingdom could wear her slipper
Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn't sing it out loud in public
Ran out of post-it notes, now I don't know how to remind myself to buy more.
It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year
Dating is cuddling on the sofa. Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
Parental Pro-tip...Having trouble waking up your teenager? Unplug and pick up their phone. It wakes them up instantly
Quote of the year: If you think life is unfair, you’re not gonna be too thrilled about death.
Remember when Ron Paul was too crazy to be President.
Biggest oxymoron ever: Customer service. Biggest lie ever: This call "may" be recorded for "training" purposes.
Fourth of July weekend is when we finally get to play our favorite American guessing game, Firework or Gunshot!!! 