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Whoever put "Too Cool to Do Drugs" on a pencil is retarded. Every time you sharpen it: "Cool to Do Drugs" "Do Drugs" and "Drugs" 
Hate on stoners all you want, but they are the reason we keep getting new flavors of Doritos.
WARNING: "There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's" is apparently not a valid defense for Indecent Exposure.
Sometimes when I'm bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I've never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
It's October and soon you'll see those orange round things with scary carved faces everywhere. That's right, the cast of Jersey Shore is on tour.
oh your looking for a 'cuddle buddy'. Maybe if you took down your Duck Face, YOLO T-shirt wearing pics you'd have a better chance at finding one. No guy wants to cuddle with a Mallard that says YOLO.
People who marry for money over love usually end up cheating for love over money!
Why do men complain when women order a salad at dinner? She's doing your poor ass a favor.
The past, the present, and the future all walk into a bar at the same time. It was tense.
Just played the board game Clue, The "Who killed music" version. Well turns out it was Nicki Minaj, in the studio, with a microphone.
Facebook is for Leaders.....Twitter is for Followers
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you've made in their life. It's not me. I think your an idiot.
I don't blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers :/
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
Wife gets a $20 gift card for Victoria's Secret, spends $380. Husband gets a $10 Lowes gift card, spends $12...
Poor Jodi Arias... If only she had a Heisman Trophy...
The Three Up's in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
relationships are a lot like algebra. have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
I have an actual date this weekend so if any of you are in love with me, you better say something or forever hold your peace.
Instead of a sign that says "Do not disturb" I need one that says "Already disturbed" 