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The police got in a foot chase with a computer hacker. They didn’t catch him. He just ransomware. 
Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to fly a helicopter.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
[50 YEARS FROM NOW] Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
The entire US government defrauds the country on a daily basis, yet there are people who freak out if they're sent a fake profile.
Bite me. Football starts next week and I'm watching it. 🐬
My brother ate my leftovers, I ate his grandma
Since we've all been out of work "Labor Day" and another chance to spread the Coronavirus have been cancelled.
If you can't afford to tip your food delivery drivers working in the pandemic maybe you should try to save some money by eating at home.
I can’t wait for Halloween. I have been practicing all year.
I accidentally swallowed
a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom
could spell disaster.
You are going to die, there’s no question about it. The question is, are you going to live. Because, half of the people in this world are not living.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you Nancy.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I’m just saying, if the ice cream truck can play music, the garbage truck could too.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.