Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon The police got in a foot chase with a computer hacker. They didn’t catch him. He just ransomware.
←Rate | 09-03-2020 16:14 by T Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to fly a helicopter.
←Rate | 09-03-2020 14:13 by Darkharbinger Comments (0)  

   messageicon The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
←Rate | 09-03-2020 14:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [50 YEARS FROM NOW] Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
←Rate | 09-03-2020 14:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The entire US government defrauds the country on a daily basis, yet there are people who freak out if they're sent a fake profile.
←Rate | 09-03-2020 08:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bite me. Football starts next week and I'm watching it. 🐬
←Rate | 09-03-2020 07:56 Comments (1)  

   messageicon My brother ate my leftovers, I ate his grandma
←Rate | 09-03-2020 07:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Since we've all been out of work "Labor Day" and another chance to spread the Coronavirus have been cancelled.
←Rate | 09-03-2020 02:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you can't afford to tip your food delivery drivers working in the pandemic maybe you should try to save some money by eating at home.
←Rate | 09-03-2020 00:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can’t wait for Halloween. I have been practicing all year.
←Rate | 09-02-2020 23:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
←Rate | 09-02-2020 18:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You are going to die, there’s no question about it. The question is, are you going to live. Because, half of the people in this world are not living.
←Rate | 09-02-2020 16:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
←Rate | 09-02-2020 12:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
←Rate | 09-02-2020 10:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
←Rate | 09-02-2020 10:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you Nancy.
←Rate | 09-02-2020 10:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
←Rate | 09-02-2020 10:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m just saying, if the ice cream truck can play music, the garbage truck could too.
←Rate | 09-02-2020 10:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
←Rate | 09-02-2020 10:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
←Rate | 09-02-2020 10:31 Comments (0)  

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