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Every dog has it's day . . . mine has his on the first day of March at H&R Block and usually ends up with a huge tax refund! 
I don't go jogging in the morning because would just end up splashing coffee everywhere.
I never drink because I wouldn't want to appear relaxed or approachable.
Cop: You ran someone over. What was your motive? Me: Auto.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me. Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend. Wow you’re fast.
being #1 isn't always the best, the most popular pencil is #2 .
It's funny, when my wife gives me the silent treatment. She actually thinks it's a punishment.
I'm afraid if I start working out I'll be too sexy
What does it mean when you drink an entire bottle of gin by yourself?
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
ATTENTION: Due to BBQ setbacks, my ripped beach body Will be postponed another year.
Thank you for understanding.
I'm not the one who spent $600 on a first class ticket for my pet rabbit. Blame my wife!!
If the baby ain't yo color, Ya ain't the Daddy Brotha !
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says "free hugs"
2. Whisper during the hug, "it's $50 to let go"
Leaving your window open for an hour in the summertime and then the cast from f*@k!?g bug's Life start producing their second film!!
I had a protein shake for breakfast and now I communicate only by flipping tables.
I’m “imma keep this box cuz it looks like a good box” years old.
Take the guesswork out of romance by dying alone.
I'm not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Service so bad the waitress owes you money