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Miss the 1980's, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before Mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police. 
I'm going paperless at home but it's presenting a real problem in the bathroom.
Hey,, Has anyone tried giving ISIS a snickers bar?
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
"According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls."
For my wife's birthday, I bought her a small bottle of exclusive perfume called ample. I just hope she doesn't notice where I scraped off the "S"
If you think your life can't get any worse, just remember...you could be Mike Tyson in a Chinese restaurant trying to order the Sweet and Sour Shrimp.
I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button... in like 10 minutes.
With all this stress eating, I may hit 270 before either of the candidates.
Press 1 for English.... Did I move?
I don't want to see a politician's tax returns. I want to see the the results of their IQ tests.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
At the age of 91 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breast, we were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees.
Your tax refund probably taking long cuz all your kids got different last names and the IRS is confused.
Pink grapefruit extreme close-up, you’re welcome.
A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They're called Nuns 'n' Moses.
I just put my phone on airplane mode and it dragged me out of my seat
Darth Vader could fall asleep in Imperial meetings and nobody would notice.
"Can't adult today". That's cute 22 year old. Get a mortgage, manage a 401k, have a couple kids, then get back to me about being an adult.
Someday they will discover the center of the universe and a lot of people are going to be pissed to find out it isn't them. 