Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   FYI: If you beep your horn .03 seconds after the light changes green, I will shut off my car, lay on the hood, and feed birds for an hour!

   Love is very strong.. It can remove tears, fears & even underwears.

   How long until Al Sharpton protests shark week for lack of Great Black shark coverage

   I'm tired of girls complaining that theres no good guys left...hello..they're where you left them, IN THE FRIEND ZONE

   If you love her, let her go out drinking with her friends.. If she calls you drunk, she is yours.. If she turns off her cell, she never was.

   Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right and pray for the ones who don't. Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it. "

   2 beers 5 dollars, 3 margaritas 15 dollars, 4 jello shots 20 dollars... taking home the girl who drank all the above... priceless

   I like fat girls, they need lovin' too. Unfortunately most Guys won't repost this.

   Daaaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home..

   I think Taylor Swift should walk in while Kim Kardashian is in labor and say “Hey, Kanye, I know you’re having a baby and all, but I just wanted to say that Beyoncé had the best baby of all time!"

   First rule of cuddle club: It better lead to sex or you're out of the cuddle club

   OK ladies....College football starts tonight!! You may now start to cheat, shop or whatever.....Just shut up and stay out of the Man Cave!!

   I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay, the mice throw themselves on the traps.

   getting 3 inches of snow per hour. My front yard looks like Charlie Sheen's coffee table.

   Getting 3 inches of snow per hour. My front yard looks like Charlie Sheen's coffee table.

   I tried to join the X Men, but they turned me down. Apparently they don't consider being able to burp out the theme song from Family guy to be a real superpower

   would like to remind any unhappy souls today that St Valentine was beaten to death with clubs

   Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right

   Looks like we have an idiot on the lose today. Disregards those meaningless statuses.

   Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to