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I tried having a personal relationship with God. But he said he only liked me as a friend. 
My friends treat me like God. They completely ignore my existence until they need something.
Remembers when
the only fake news
was the National Inquirer
I’m already an idiot, I just need a village
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Remember Darth Vader took his mask off once and died within minutes.
All Women Do Is Drink Wine And Order crap Off Amazon
I apologize for the coin shortage. I started a swear jar.
Let’s change the Redskins name to DC Marvels!
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now...good for them
Welcome to the epoch of divisiveness.
My friend said he doesn't understand cloning. I said "That makes two of us."
Crayons are a lot like M & M's, all the colors taste the same.
I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button... in like 10 minutes.
I still not comfortable with how we spell coffee.