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My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues. 
*me traveling back in time* *follows Albert Einstein* *waits for him to trip* *yells "Way to go, Einstein!"* *returns satisfied to present-time*
With a self driving truck on the way, eventually there will a Country and Western song about it leaving you too.
Come join the world wide movement called "I pledge to bend over and pick up a random piece of garbage on the street or wherever I see it" movement. Like and share if you like to join!
Shout out to all my friends having an identity crisis, You know who you are, I think?
Do you have trouble making decisions? Well, yes and no.
I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified... What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?
No you can't throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that's literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
: Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
-first day at NASA- colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I once had a dog who was the best watchdog ever. Well, he WOULDA been if a vacuum cleaner broke into the house.
You know you're fat when you only need a cup of water in the tub when taking a bath.
Just about all husbands lie on their tax returns by listing them self as head of household.
I very much doubt God wants you to hate anyone.
Fact checking is hate speech!
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Me come to US of A to kill moose and squirrel. Somehow me marry fat, old, rich guy who never shutting up and live too long.
1719: We can only pray the harvest will provide enough food to last the winter. Now: They had a sale on the 15 pound tubs of peanut butter at Costco, so I got 4.