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6 year old: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that? 6 year old: Chick-fil-A 
My paycheck came in the mail the other day. There was a sprig of parsley inside. Someone had garnished my wages.
Coronavirus Deaths: 216,000 Medical Malpractice Deaths: 400,000 You're safer getting Covid than going to the doctor.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Facebook is mostly poIitics, pet lovers and dysfunctional insecure model wannabes.
I'd have to say for the first time in 40 years I don't wish I was Eddie Van Halen.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Fear is contagious...so is Hope.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate that I ate.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
DID YOU KNOW: Mrs. Doubtfire was originally titled: Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dad.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you. ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’ HER: I need to see other people.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out. She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Just heard that flies spread disease. I always keep mine zipped.
Pro tip: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you never have to host a children’s birthday party again. You’re welcome