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I was awoken with oral seggs this morning. Never falling asleep with my mouth open on the train again. 
What has 362 times more germs than a toilet seat? My lucky condom.
Oh, there's no plates like foam for the Holidays.
Amazonesia: When you forgot what you ordered this time.
If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.
I asked my doctor, do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life? The doctor replied, I doubt it somehow, Mercury is in Uranus right now. I said, I don’t believe in all that astrology crap. He said, neither do I, my thermometer just broke.
If it snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny.
Twinkle, twinkle little scar; how I wonder, what put ye thar.
According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.
Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.
Silent farts, deadly farts, all was calm, not for long 😂
Anyone can have a wank under a sheet, but it takes skill to do it without the hairdresser noticing.
How come all the single ladies don’t need no man at all, but all the married men need two ladies, I’m confused.
A word to the wise isn’t necessary, it’s the dumb ones that need the advice.
How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Security at every level of the airport is insane, until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s like, take whatever bag you want. 😂
Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.
You’re not really supposed to do this, but this is what I do. Me: Training a new person at work.
The Supreme Court is like regular court, except it comes with sour cream and tomatoes.
The Girl Scouts are just a cookie company that gets away with child labor. 