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My Grandpa used to gather us around to tell us stories about surviving World War Two. My dad just gathered us around to watch a YouTube clip of an Asian child playing “Africa” by Toto on a rubber chicken. 
There is a fine line between "I'm not doing anything except looking at Facebook" & " I'm not doing anything because I'm looking at Facebook"
I do crunches twice a day now. Captain in the morning and Nestle in the afternoon...
"I don't think I can get through a day without my middle finger."
Yesterday in my nude yoga class I had all my students stand behind me so I could show them the proper technique of the downward dog position, not one student showed up for class this morning.
"Hello, my name's Drew and I'm an addict" "Sir, this is a cheese counter"
I think I’ve finally perfected the art of silent criticism, though you wouldn’t know it
My wife and I first met at a Boston concert. I knew she was the one cause it was more than a feeling.
If your mom still washes your underwear, you're not allowed to have an opinion about anything.
How cold is it here? It's so cold out, my nipples got to work 5 minutes before I did.
Going forward I'm only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I'm paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
: It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I have never been “the one that got away”, but I have often been the one that got in the way.
Maybe the next hoarded item will be laxatives...to use up all the toilet paper.
People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove
me: WTF all the shelves are empty sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Day 7 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
No matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this 