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Couple beside me in the restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom. 
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Love Halloween, seeing all the monsters and the scary imagery. Then I turn off the campaign ads and wait for the trick-or-treaters.
Million Dollar Idea: Batting gloves you don't have to adjust and tighten every 30 seconds.
In hell, your coworker never finishes opening a wrapper.
Guys, I need ur advice .... How many hours should I allow my friend to mourn the loss of his phone before I ask him to give me his charger and earphones? 🌚#Serious
Why does Ashton Kutcher always look like he's withholding valuable information?
89% of all marriages is spent spooning your wife on the off chance she'll say "okay".
*shines flashlight under chin... 'And the phones were attached to the walls and didn't have cameras'.... *teenagers scream. Two pass out
Causes of childhood anxiety: 4% Bullying, 9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch, 87% Musical Chairs.
Just want to be rich enough to support my alcoholism with quality wine.
'What's your wifi password?' is a visiting child's new 'can I have a cookie?'
Quit telling everyone how much you love Fall, you psychopath.
You met her at church but she still could be Satan.
Laziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries.
How is everyone talking about the next presidential debate and not one person is talking about Chipotle now having chorizo?!
At my age I would rather change a tire than a diaper.
My bucket list includes that before I die, I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes...
Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.
Don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
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