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When I was a kid I could climb mountians. Now I have to steady my self to fart. 
I never make any plans unless I have a way of getting out of them.
Thoughts on lunch time at the office: I like opening the microwave with one second left on the timer. It makes me feel like James Bond disarming a nuclear bomb.
I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman, then pow, it was all gone, when my wife found out.
And as tradition would have it, I now sincerely regret making plans for NYE
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but fathers always want to play with them.
Honesty is the best policy but it makes for a lousy defense in court.
Interviewer: This says you tend to jump to conclusions Me: So I'm hired?
Not to worry Kraft. At least you're not Chicago.
Chicago can solve its murder problem by having longer winters.
As a parent my diet over the year has primarily consisted of all the food my kids have left on their plates.
A small town lawyer will go broke but 2 small town lawyers will both get rich...
Countless individuals over the last 80 years have spent millions of hours on the development of the electronic computer. All so that I can sit at my desk yelling "Hurry up you stupid piece of crap!"
There's probably an employee named Jake who works at State Farm, who's had it with people's jokes and is about to go postal.
My dogs are great as I can always count on them to alert me of danger outside.....and my neighbors coming home, squirrels passing by, the garbage truck in the morning, when the mail man comes and sudden gusts of wind.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
What's it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Does Chewbacca have 2 nipples like a human or two rows of them like an dog??
I just observed a sign that said "How do nudists clean their glasses?" so there's that question to keep you up at night. 