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Cats get all the single chicks. 
The #1 asset in my portfolio right now is Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons.
Sat through half of 'Pitch Perfect' with my wife and daughter before realizing it wasn't a movie about baseball.
The fact that Soundgarden and Natalie Portman never combined talents and formed a mega band called Black Hole Swan makes me feel blue.
Asks for a large coffee and this guy says, "1 Grande." Dude, this is an annexed Starbucks in the grocery store....get over yourself.
No thanks, DailyDish. I don't want to see what the cast of Petticoat Junction looks like now. I'm guessing skeletons.
Siri is turning into my mom and asking random questions like, "Do you need something? Can I help you? Are you going out wearing that?"
If I comment on a Facebook post I immediately hit "Turn Off Notifications" because why the hell wouldn't you?
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn't seen me drunk.
Don't know if dogs get how cool they look in sunglasses.
It's so damn hot I think I'll go put the toilet seat up on purpose so I can get a cold Icy stare from my girlfriend
Every room is a panic room if you suffer from anxiety.
I started reading more because for like 6 years I thought Sharia Law was a Street Fighter character.
A break up is bad when you have to point to a chalk outline.
I can hear my girlfriend telling me not to touch her from work.
I'm still waiting for the ability to call the car in front of me & tell the driver to pull her head out of his ass... Where are we on this technology?
On a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Busy day at work today, a man was rushed to the hospital with 6 toy horses up his Butt. Doctors describe his condition as stable.
50% of my drive time is me fighting the urge to smile and wave at red light cameras.
Love kickboxing and think there should be kick versions of more sports, like kickbowling and kickbadminton.
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