Funny Status Messages

   Calvin Klein has a new plan to make people buy more underwear. I saw the price of boxers and shit myself.

   In dog beers…I've only had one.

   thinks that nothing tears a family apart like adultery. Or a pack of wolves.

   wants to borrow your top

   's happy-go-lucky attitude is proof positive of better living through pharmaceuticals!

   suffering from hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia. (It means a fear of large words)

   and from that day forward, where ever I went I was running.

   With all the infadelities of David Boreanaz, puts a new menaing to his show "Bones". Just waiting for the porn movie to be made.

   Have yourself a merry little christmas sounds pretty condescending - Jennifer Lopez

   "Hey, do you have any of that marshmallow vodka I keep hearing about on 'The View'?" (things never heard in biker bars)

   It's amazing how irritating some people can be with only 140 characters on Twitter.

   Oh, I can take a hint. I just choose not to.

   Apparently this guy in the next stall doesn't want his feet tickled.

   Good to see Brian Williams is back on TV, he is now competing with late night infomercials.

   Life as a college student at the bar....give me your biggest, strongest, cheapest drink.

   And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

   Honestly in 56 years, I've never seen anyone fall because of a banana peel.

   Love ordering from the menu by reading the description, not the item. "Yes, I'll have the two long ground corn tamales stuffed with pork."

   I asked HR for some things to improve my work performance: an adjustable chair, a wrist cushion mousepad, xanax. Pretty standard requests.

   At times I think we have achieved so much as a species, but then I notice that someone has tossed a dirty diaper in a parking lot.