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Since irons are like 1000 degrees, who's bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?? 
Jameis Winston will appear on the covers of both EA Sports "NCAA Football '14" AND "Grand Theft Crustacean."
If I end up doing something really cool or funny there’s an 80% chance it was on accident
When I was a kid I would have a recurring nightmare of been in public without pants . Now I realize that my subconscious was.just preparing me for college !
Calvin Klein has a new plan to make people buy more underwear. I saw the price of boxers and shit myself.
In dog beers…I've only had one.
thinks that nothing tears a family apart like adultery. Or a pack of wolves.
wants to borrow your top
's happy-go-lucky attitude is proof positive of better living through pharmaceuticals!
suffering from hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia. (It means a fear of large words)
and from that day forward, where ever I went I was running.
With all the infadelities of David Boreanaz, puts a new menaing to his show "Bones". Just waiting for the porn movie to be made.
Have yourself a merry little christmas sounds pretty condescending - Jennifer Lopez
"Hey, do you have any of that marshmallow vodka I keep hearing about on 'The View'?" (things never heard in biker bars)
It's amazing how irritating some people can be with only 140 characters on Twitter.
Oh, I can take a hint. I just choose not to.
Apparently this guy in the next stall doesn't want his feet tickled.
Good to see Brian Williams is back on TV, he is now competing with late night infomercials.
Life as a college student at the bar....give me your biggest, strongest, cheapest drink.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids. 