Funny Status Messages

   y doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream. Now all I want to do is rub it in.

   Not to brag, but, I've already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.

   I pledged allegiance “to the Republic for Witches Stand” until the forth grade.

   If you weren't sure whether or not to book a hotel in a Native American community, would that be a reservation reservation reservation?

   "Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"

   My dad wasn't circumcised so I like to say I came from the hood.

   Drunk Me: "You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day: UPS GUY: "Sir just sign for the package"

   I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

   Sometimes, I just want to give it all up for 4 fried chickens and a Coke.

   I'll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.

   How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?

   Every time I use a plunger, it feels like I am giving my toilet CPR

   To everyone reading this congratulations for surviving the end of the world.

   If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

   Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her.

   You may have been drunk before, but you haven't been lightsaber fighting in the street at 2 am drunk.

   Current Relationship Status: Sleeping diagonally across the Queen size bed.

   Are nap dates a thing? Because that's something I can work with....

   its stupid when girls say they cant find a guy, yet they ignore me. its like saying youre hungry when theres a hot dog on the ground outside

   One thing I've learned about women is they prefer that I don't speak