Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Anyone know exactly how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor Swift never specified and frankly I'm exhausted. 
A honeymoon is a vacation a man takes before starting work under a new boss
Folks who say, "I can't take all this drama", are the same ones who make Hollywood rich paying $15 to see it on a movie screen.
I started seeing this girl in my building.But I don't think it's gonna work out, she keeps closing her blinds.
At my age the only thing that gets TURNED on is MR. Coffee
Just want to say a quick prayer to United's Public Relations teams. RIP.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
Those who speak charismatically does not mean they speak the truth.
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
My wife accused me of being immature, I told her to get out of my fort
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
Looking into the mirror...I realize, I'm in no shape to fend off an alien invasion
y doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream. Now all I want to do is rub it in.
Not to brag, but, I've already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.
I pledged allegiance “to the Republic for Witches Stand” until the forth grade.
If you weren't sure whether or not to book a hotel in a Native American community, would that be a reservation reservation reservation?
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
My dad wasn't circumcised so I like to say I came from the hood.
Drunk Me: "You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day: UPS GUY: "Sir just sign for the package"
I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body. 