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Success always occurs in private and failure in full view 
reading Sasquatches, Dinosaurs & UFOs: The Truth Behind 9/11.
Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.
If you can't say anything nice...come sit by us.
converting oxygen into carbon dioxide...come to think of it...so are you!!! GREAT LUNGS THINK ALIKE!
So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Don't let someone become your everything, because when they're gone you have nothing!!!!!
In small towns like this you might as well live it up, cause you sure as hell won't be living anything down
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullsh*t is over.
Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
1977: stayin’ alive 2020: stayin’ alive
I've been all across this nation Traveled by train, plane, bus and car And I've never met one person that makes zzz sounds when they sleep
Love how I can remember the lyrics to just about any song written in the 70s but can't remember where I laid my car keys down last night?
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year, ..today I bought a 5lb bag.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
It used to be a sign that you were low on money when you took all of your loose change into the store. Today, because of a national coin shortage, I kinda felt like I was flaunting my wealth.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn 