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Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them 
just found an awesome outdoor puerto rican mechanic shop! oh wait, its just the autozone parking lot...
Talk to people about themselves, and they will listen for hours. Talk to people about yourself, and they will tell you who gives a s**t ??
You have become a mature person when keeping a secret gives you more satisfaction than passing it along.
I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.
Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself.
Your bumper sticker claiming, "My Chocolate Lab is smarter than your Honor Student" appears to be false. I've never seen an Honor Student jump from an open car window and chase a squirrel through a busy intersection.
If I ever write a book it's going to be about "People who waste other people's time by reading about their nonsense" but I probably will never write one so..... never mind.
Really suffering from PMS today - Premature Monday Syndrome.
Why does the new thomas the train commercial say it's so easy to score??
thinks that physical abilty doesn't compensate for mental incompetence....
WARNING: Facebook contains traces of nuts.
a little puzzled, as to why she has eye-liner on her thigh...
Everyone's got a story. I'll sleep through yours next.
When convincing your kid to take his/her medicine, don't taste it yourself before checking the prescription info. Your kid won't understand that daddy only made himself throw up in the sink because he's allergic.
a love-ate relationship with food.
It's a myth that pets provide home security. 96% of all dog barks are false alarms, and cats instinctively side with evildoers.
I would complain more about Monday, but there is still the rest of the week to mess up everything.
I wish I liked anything as much as I hate you right now.
It should be illegal to be *required* to be up before noon. 