Funny Status Messages

   The secrets of staying young is to live honestly, eat healthy, and exercise or simply lie like hell about your age.

   girls have unique powers they get wet without water, bleed without an injury & make boneless things get hard.

   Girls having more guy friends because they cause less drama...

   At the beginning of a relationship, I wonder if women rub their hands together and say "Let the games begin!"

   Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Chinese dudes jumped out and yelled "supplies!"

   You don't have a valentine on valentines day? Some people don't have a mother on mother's day or a father on father's day so shut up

   Dear Santa, I don't want anything for Christmas except for the person reading this to have an amazing Christmas.

   Wondering why people with food stamps drive escalades?

   You had me at "my giant boobs make my back hurt"

   So I was at the park flying my kite and this random guy came up to me and said "You flying a kite?" I replied "Nah I'm fishing for birds"

   If a white cop had hit Adrian Peterson's 4 year old son like that, cities would be on fire and stores would be looted...

   This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear..... I'm just fat.

   To all the people who think they don't need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?

   Funny how they wanna friends AFTER they stomped, crushed, torched, ripped, backstabbed and oh yeah....broke your heart.

   A true Solider is Someone that fights not because He Hates whats infront of HIm but Loves What is behind him

   i just fitted a strobe light in the bedroom....it makes it look like the wife's moving during sex

   Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.

   thinks 'friends with benefits' should came with a health care package..

   The best way to get high for free is to tell potheads you've never smoked before.

   You can tell a lot about a girl by her hands. For instance, if theyre placed around your throat shes probably a violent person.