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It's spooky how many kids look like their owners 
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
Who's gonna give Rob Schneider work when Adam Sandler dies?
Killing everyone in your anger management class really calms you down.
This job fair sucks... They don't have one ride...
Some days I don't know why I even put my cape on.
You don't know true competition until you're one of the last two people in musical chairs.
There... crazy glued quarters to the ground in front of the vending machine at work...let the fun begin....
These spaghetti-o's taste like I don't get paid until tomorrow.
When you give up and stop believing in yourself, it's much easier to worship and idolize another. That's how ass kissing and celebrity worshipping begins.
They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.
HOW TO CONFUSE A WOMAN: Buy her a pair of shoes made from chocolate!!!
Other people's children are my form of birth control.
How are the VMA's even possible when they dont play music??
People go to the bar hoping for two things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
UPS delivery guys don't like it when you go up to their truck and order two tacos to go.
I thought I met the girl of my dreams at the bar last night...until she said "hello" and sounded like that guy from the Allstate commercials! :/
sometimes when people are talking to me I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them right in the face
Shaving your head when you're going bald is the ultimate "You can't fire me, I quit."
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy's it would take to levitate? 