Funny Status Messages

   Should the phillies A) have mexican food night so at least someone at that stadium will get the "runs" or B) sign andy reid at least he knows what to do at the plate.

   Insanity doesn't RUN in my family. It just STROLLS around, taking it's sweet time....

   Thank God the American Elections are over. Now the rest of the world can go back to hating their own politicians.

   Just saw a guy getting mugged. I was going to help him out, but he was wearing Crocs.

   Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.

   Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late, and all the good choices are already taken..

   When I die I want the Falcons to be my pallbearers so they can let me down one last time

   I've always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.

   There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.

   According to the United Nations' World Happiness Report, Norway is the happiest country in the world. They must not watch The Kardashians.

   My memory foam has amnesia

   it just me, or is anyone else finding it difficult to log on to dyslexics.moc?

   Spent the last twenty minutes trying to get my sideburns even and now I'm sporting a Mohawk!

   How long do you have to be ignorant before you start experiencing bliss ?

   I got pulled over again. The cop said "I'm going to need to see your license and registration." I said "You guys seriously need to get a grip. One day you take my license and the next day you ask to see it."

   If you are paying $3.00 for Smart Water, it isn't working.

   Just discovered that spilling hot coffee in your lap wakes you up faster then drinking it.

   I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people's mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

   I like to reassure my wife that even though I don't have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I'm a really loud screamer.