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The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form. 
I look better in person.
You are the carbon they want to reduce.
That awkward moment when you’re wearing Nike’s, but you still can’t do it.
When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.
Quit looking for a reason to hate me, I’m cool as f.
Her: how could you sleep with her!? Him: uh, she’s hot? Her: You didn’t think about me in any of this? Him: I thought about you the whole time so I wouldn’t nut early.
Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
How can you face your problem, if your problem is your face?
Summer, Spring, Winter and Welp
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Are you suffering from a lack of vitamin me?
Hey gurl, speaking of lickity split, whatcha doin later...
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
Inadvertently just signed off a work email, “should you have any questions, please don’t. Hesitate to ask.” I’m sticking with it.
“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” ~ Henry Ford
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Kids today are soft, I died once when I was five and my mom made me walk it off.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. 