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Instead of paying for a haunted house this year I'm just making the kids clean out the refrigerator. 
OK folks ... I have been working to unify relativity and quantum mechanics into a single unified theory of life the universe and everything........ So far I have discovered that beer is good.
Me: *cutting fingernails* Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
We bought an 82 inch TV. Football: awesome Porn: terrifying
WD-40 is an essential oil.
I don't see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they're back
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Do you have tin foil? Then you have everything you need to make tin foil balls. Stay tuned for more last-minute gift ideas.
HOW TO WRAP PRESENTS: - Ask somebody else to wrap presents
The holidays are always tough on me.... One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn't up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family. Still haunts me.
My phone auto-corrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer". I sent it anyways...
A Citizen's Arrest for the next person who asks me if I'm ready for Christmas.
Calling your girlfriend your "lady friend" is a great way to let everyone know you both met on Craigslist.
My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.
Yesterday was a great day. The mailman delivered to me a Three Dog Night cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on.
Bees build homes with their mouths and defend with their butts. Spiders build homes with their butts and defend with their mouths.
Saying someone has a dry sense of humor implies the existence of wet senses of humor.
You picture a lot more hair when you hear "Hair" as opposed to hearing "Hairs". 