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Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day. 
Today is our 9 years anniversary here. Keep em coming folks
After this we should all invade Mexico and vote for Justin Bieber. See how they like that.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I've decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term 'Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."
Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf... but he didn't listen.
Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around calked Unused Sick Days. Apparently it's very contagious.
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
And in other news, Joe Biden claims that 150 million people have died from gun violence in the U.S. since 2007. I suppose that might explain the low unemployment numbers right now.
California announced that Marijuana Dispensaries will be closing! Do they realize the dramatic impact this will have on the economy. Sales of Funyons, 7-11 Burritos, Visine, and all other junk food are going to plummet!!!
Nothing more awkward then being 10 minutes into a porno and realizing there's no girls in it...
I just heard a woodpecker call me a 'paranoid old weirdo' in morse code.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You're drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
I have no problem with you speaking your mind,,, as long as you can do it with your mouth closed.
I'm the most responsible person I know. Whenever anything goes wrong, I'm responsible.
When I say, "No problem," I mean, "YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOUR FOREVER."
October 13th is No Bra Day!?!?!? it's everyday for me when I get home from work!
Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion?words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the bathroom.
Homeless people have been known to step outside the box. 