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Judge rules that airplane passengers no longer need to pretend to be eating for 5 straight hours. 
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Mike who cheese Harry
It’s impossible to plug in my genderless extension cord.
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Love means having to say you’re sorry every fifteen minutes.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Tapping our oil reserves instead of drilling is as dumb as tapping your 401k instead of going to work.
If you want to look thin, hang out with fat people.
Roses are red, violets are blue, wish it didn’t have to be like this, but it do
There is a voice that doesn’t use words, listen.
Drinking 8 cups of water seems impossible, but 8 cups of coffee goes down like a chubby kid on a seesaw.
Vomits after drinking 10 mimosas, hope I’m not pregnant.
Saw an ad for burial plots and thought this is the last thing I need.
I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it.
BREAKING: “Man” in critical condition after hearing a slightly different viewpoint.
Are you a ceiling fan? Because I need someone to blow me while I sleep.
If the weekend goes as planned, it will not include any actual plans.
Librarian: Sorry for the inconvenience, Sir. We’re in the process of moving our entire Conspiracy Theory Collection into our Non-Fiction Section. 