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Faking my own death and starting over with a new identity to reset my targeted ads algorithm. 
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So, sue me."
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every Culture; is the story of Popeye.
Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.
If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
If it sucks so much, why do you keep coming back? It only sucks when you're here.
Never treat a Lady like an object, it hates that.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mother only carries one photo, because if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.
Some people need to avoid touching two faces.
I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
Life begins at 40, so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.
If you get bit by a shark, bite it back. You’re probably still gonna die, but the shark will be like, lol wtf?
When people ask, “Do you have a bathroom?” No, we pee in the yard.
When you’re condemned daily, yet you continue because you’re as dense as a mud flap.
These last few years have felt like being tied to a chair and watching a toddler play with a loaded pistol.
When a woman laughs during an argument, the psycho part of her brain has just been activated. Abort mission.
Your cat is a “see you in tea.”
“Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people. 