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When someone says "Only God can judge me" what they are really saying "I know it's wrong but I still don't care." 
I have decided to host the Oscars
The best credit card rewards program is to avoid credit card debt.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.
Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 5 year old.
Only resort to violence if necessary like if a coworker says "another day in paradise".
Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn." Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"
If you don't smile and show everyone your teeth when you're eating Oreos then you're probably more mature than me.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I really don’t understand why my neighbors have to be outside when I’m outside.
Will I be able to drink with these? - First question when prescribed meds
Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers arse.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 60 and I still don’t know.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first. For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
How can you tell if someone plays the bagpipes well?
I think the wife has started to show signs of Alzheimers. She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me !
2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong. 