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Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!? 
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Captain: relax, it’s just a title Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE *crowd nervously looks at each other *meek yet courageous man steps up M: No.
Me: *goes for midnight jog* My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
7 years ago today I swallowed gum..... and now we wait
My horoscope today just said "NOPE"
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Gf: You've never even smiled at me since we started dating! Bf: I thought you said you wanted a serious relationship...
concierge: the lift is broken sir I think your friend has taken the stairs me: when's he bringing them back?
Me: *Eating eggs* Fertility Doctor: That's disgusting
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures. I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.
I can speak only two languages Body and English.
Apparenty drawing a moustache on a coma patient, does not lighten the mood of their relatives
smiling to increase his face value
thinks that friends help you move but real friends help you move bodies.
a weapon of mass distraction
I Believe in GOD, but When It Comes To Cross The Street, I Look Both Ways !!! 