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Has anyone else considered the romantic possibilities of nachos and naps? 
Dateline's Keith Morrison can now be your GPS voice, which is awesome unless you put in a middle school in your GPS device...then instantly become a part of to Catch a Preditor.
Flu stages: Day one, feel like dying. Day two: Afraid I'm dying. Day three: Afraid I'm not dying...
How to annoy your friend: No matter what they say, you say ~ “That’s not what you said last night” (followed by a saucy wink) Keep it going until they crack.
“Buy one get one free” deals are an attempt by retailers to manipulate your shopping habits. Demonstrate your superior willpower by purchasing five.
I only watch p.orn on 13 inch tv's. I feel better about myself.
There's a reason Jesus didn't turn water into whiskey
Not everybody has to like me, I cant force you to have a good taste!
I'm going to give up paying for UFC and boxing, I can just tune in for free and watch the riots every weekend.
Why are you just now "Feeling Determined"?
Another good feeling. Waking up and realizing that it's sunday and not monday morning. AAAAAH......zzzzzzz.
Whoever claims they invented goat yoga stole the idea from Wyoming sheep ranchers. Okay, maybe they didn't use yoga mats but they beat you to the punch boys.
"No question is so difficult to answer as that to which the answer is obvious." -George Bernard Shaw
Original jokes are like girlfriends. I don't have one.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but it sure gets your hands clean.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I used to go dumpster diving but eventually concluded that my local swimming pool was a better place to do it.
New England Patriots QB Cam Newton tested positive for Covid. Next game postponed, yet still find a way to win.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast. *sets alarm for 6:30* 