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Honestly tho.... 63% of my day is spent inconspicuously making sure I'm not wearing any articles of clothing inside out or backwards. 
If you're going to fight with your spouse at the grocery store, I'm going to put on a rally cap and start cheering for whoever is losing.
Drugs are bad but if there were ever a reason for cocaine, it would be having kids.
I bet the same guy who named the fireplace named leftovers.
Amazed to hear Hooter's had a free wings for mom on Mother's Day because nothing makes mom prouder than letting her know she raised a cheapskate and a perv.
Congratulations Leonardo DiCaprio you are now qualified to do Lincoln Town Car commercials!!!
Absolutely need to work on my social skills. To avoid sitting in a restaurant, I just called in a pickup order from the parking lot.
If my extension cord ever gets tangled with my ear buds and Christmas lights, I’m really screwed.
One really positive thing about 2016 is that it has to end.
Most murder victims are killed by someone they know. So stay safe by living a life of heartbreaking solitude, devoid of human contact.
I enjoy short walks into oncoming traffic.
If you're walking around the house talking to yourself, it's okay if your dog is listening.
My homemade cookies taste so much better when I remember to take the bakery price tag off.
Leftover spaghetti is why someone invented Tupperware. No one looks cool trying to put spaghetti in a ziplock bag.
If you’re prepared to spend 1/3 of your day wiping goo that could’ve been secreted by a Xenomorph or a child, parenting is for you.
What I learned in high school: If you lose the game, don't dump Gatorade on the coach's head.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the Halloween fun-size candy wrappers in your trash can.
Sorry I kicked off the mirrors to your car, but "Fight Song" came on.
Eating four slices of chocolate-peanut butter pie in one sitting is not the greatest idea I ever had. But it's close.
Anyone else wanna go out for next Halloween as "Narcissistic Introverts with Alcohol and Drug Dependencies coupled with Porn Addictions" ........... or is it just going to be Me again ? 