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A movie about dating a person in their 20s would be called 2 Fast 2 Curious. 
You know you're getting old when you use the word "thingy" because you can't remember what things are called.
I could probably sleep my way to the top....if sleeping actually had anything to do with it that is to say.
The guy in charge of running the election (kemp) in Georgia is also running in the Georgia election. Mmmm I wonder who will win ?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish. Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I finally finished my 2017 Thanksgiving leftovers. And in 22 days, it starts all over again.
My husband knew he couldn't scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
The First Rule of Menopause Club: We don't talk PERIOD.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
If my next of kin takes a nap.. Can I call him Napkin?
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.
Is it 5 seconds from when it hits the floor or when I see it? I just noticed a skittle under my desk. I don't remember eating skittles.
Whenever I’m pissed off at my wife I turn all of the shampoo bottles right side up in the shower.
Math professor: today we're doing geometry Me: *falls asleep* [20 years later] Occult leader: set up a pentagram of salt Me: a what now
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”. Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most. Husband: No, it's because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears 