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Everytime I decline a friends request from Jerry Garcia I always wonder what if? 
“How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Discriminating is awful. But remember, the coronavirus doesn't discriminate either.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
People with those rims that spin when the car isn't moving, how often do you have to replace the hamsters in those things?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
for someone that hates being touched, I sure do have a lot of kids.
Sometimes I lay on my kitchen floor and pretend to be a crumb
In my mind: I got them moves like Jagger In reality: I got them moves like I’m on Jäger
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term Me: Don’t kid yourself
[3am] Me: My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed. Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here? Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when I got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I dont think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds, because every time I take them she goes away
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog 