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It’s time for the 99% of us who are not offended by everything to quit catering to the 1% who are. 
Your handwriting is just your hand’s accent.
Have you ever rubbed your eyes so hard that you enter in, to some other dimension of swirls and patterns?
Me: trying to be polite. Mmm… this tastes like something I only want to eat once.
Therapist: “What brings you in today?” Me: Every time my husband puts the dishes away, he puts them in a different location. Therapist: “I’ll cancel all my appointments.”
An idea: “Broke Back Mountain 2” all female cast. This would smash all box office records.
People who get offended when I breastfeed in public need to calm down. What I’m doing is natural and it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
Australian Kiss ~ Kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
The happiest person in the world is probably not on social media.
I grew up with six siblings. That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom.
The two e’s in bee might actually be silent.
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.
I was born a male and I identify as a male, but according to Stouffers portions, I'm a family of four.
You can’t leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution.
Jurassic World is about a pharma company that uses a DNA-altering pathogen to destroy farmland and deliberately cause a worldwide food crisis to force everyone to buy their products. Science Fiction is Fun!
When you want to help people, you tell the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear.
The hardest part about driving a Hummer, is trying to find your wiener when you go pee-pee.
Lady: How did you fix that horrible annoying noise my car was making? Auto Technician: We simply removed your Taylor Swift CD and replaced it with Van Halen. 😎
Calm down museum man. I think it’s obvious I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton. 