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Her: wtf… why’d you fu!c my mom? Him: You kept calling me daddy and I got confused, chill. 
Reach ~ as high as you can, and then a little higher. There you will find magic and possibility… and maybe even cookies.
R.I.P boiled water, you will be mist.
When your landlord finds all your dog collars and leashes, but you don’t have a dog. ~ I’m a kinky girl, I’m a very kinky girl.
A dog is able to learn up to 250 words and gestures and count up to 5, equivalent to a human age: 3. A cat doesn’t give a dam, and is sick of your crap, equivalent to a human age: 42.
Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still stupid.
I hide at work, because a good employee is hard to find.
They’re not red flags, they’re fun facts about me.
Glad to see you’re not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.
Have you ever been so mad that you were calm?
The same people who are candy to our eyes can be poison to our hearts. Study their ingredients before feeding them to your soul.
I’ve spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house, but they still get in.
T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt. It's because of the small arms.
Raising a teenager is like having a cat that only comes out to eat and hisses at you whenever you try to be nice to it.
I’m putting a snowblower in the back of my truck and drive south until someone says, “what the heck is that?” And that, is where I’ll live.
If one person is tailgating you, they are the problem. If everyone is tailgating you, you are the problem.
Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell in the floor.
To the people who react to my posts daily, may your life be full of puppy kisses and kitten snuggles.
I carry a whistle at the grocery store, in case someone tries to violate the sanctity of the 15 items or less lane.
There is only one way to avoid criticism: Say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing. 