Funny Status Messages

   Karen on Facebook says… "Going to the dentist now. Hate having things put in my mouth!!! :(" That's probably why your husband left, Karen.

   In alcohol’s defense, i've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.

   My boss yelled at me yesterday "It's the fifth time you've been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it's Friday?"…

   The coolest thing about being a dog must be the ability to use your own ass for a pillow.

   I'm gonna start driving my car on bike paths, it's only fair.

   Chuck-E-Cheese, because it's never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling...

   I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings, I'm a drunk, we go to parties.

   I put bubble wrap under my mattress during sex. It sounds like fireworks. Makes for much more festive mood

   I refuse to join your birthday calendar cult!

   Dear AT&T Wireless, Thanks for transferring me to nine different agents with nine different accents...I am exhausted from this world-wide tour.

   People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.

   a problem with Kinect for X-Box... if I wanted to use my entire body to play sports... I would just play sports.

   still doesn't understand what the hell I'm supposed to do with the white crayon…

   I get worried when I see a pattern on my multiple choice sheet....

   it's ok to kiss a fool, it's ok to let a fool kiss you, but never let a kiss fool you.

   Opportunity knocked, but by the time I took off the chain, pushed back the bolt, unhooked two locks and shut off the alarm, it was too late..

   Satan came to me in a dream and asked if I was afraid. I said, "Hell no, I married your sister, didn't I?"

   You're so annoying you should just wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry."

   How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?

   Attention Walmart shoppers... If you where on the bottom of the pyramid at cheer leading practice, you should not be wearing yoga pants. Thank You.