Funny Status Messages

   Chuck-E-Cheese, because it's never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling...

   I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings, I'm a drunk, we go to parties.

   I put bubble wrap under my mattress during sex. It sounds like fireworks. Makes for much more festive mood

   I refuse to join your birthday calendar cult!

   still doesn't understand what the hell I'm supposed to do with the white crayon…

   I get worried when I see a pattern on my multiple choice sheet....

   it's ok to kiss a fool, it's ok to let a fool kiss you, but never let a kiss fool you.

   People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.

   a problem with Kinect for X-Box... if I wanted to use my entire body to play sports... I would just play sports.

   Opportunity knocked, but by the time I took off the chain, pushed back the bolt, unhooked two locks and shut off the alarm, it was too late..

   Satan came to me in a dream and asked if I was afraid. I said, "Hell no, I married your sister, didn't I?"

   You're so annoying you should just wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry."

   How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?

   Attention Walmart shoppers... If you where on the bottom of the pyramid at cheer leading practice, you should not be wearing yoga pants. Thank You.

   We would have discovered the cure for cancer by now if we rewarded, recognized and respected our scientists just as much as we do our sportsmen and celebrities.

   If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus name, amen,"

   The question asked "have you ever been convicted of a crime" followed by "explain why"... so I put "no" and "good lawyer."

   someone told me I am immature and need to grow up...so guess who is not allowed in my treehouse now

   During sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She: "What are you doing?" Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, its called Buffering

   I just pulled up beside a police car on the highway and waved frantically for him to pull off to the side. When he did, I walked up slowly to his window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" He didn't find it as amusing as me.......