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The best way to serve eggs for breakfast? Omelette you guys decide.. 
I bet other insects hate it when they ask a caterpillar how she became a butterfly, and she's all, "Just diet and exercise, guys!"
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Lawyer : did your boyfriend commit the crime? Girlfriend : honey he can’t even commit to this relationship Entire jury: OH SNAP
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We'll take care of that. Me: And...the other thing? Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn't mean they are willing to take your kids.
Good chance of showers today. -- Bathroom Forecast.
"Damn girl! I think you're giving me mesothelioma cuz yo ass bestest!"
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
There is a guy here at work that calls me "Chief." There's another guy here at work that calls me "Pardner." I'm beginning to feel like I'm a double-agent in a clandestine Cowboys and Indians war.
I dropped and broke an egg this morning. Yet another seven years of bad luck with the chicks...
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor? Me: Yes, but I don't have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I need everyone to reach into the bottoms of your hearts and send me all your love, good vibes and support at this time. Oh and don't worry nothing's wrong, In fact everything is going great! and just figure why wait to ask until things go wrong.
wife: I want you- me: [takes off clothes] wife: -to do the laundry me: [puts them in washer]
If a woman is crying and you don't understand why - congratulations! you're a Man now
Statistics say more than one third of marriages start online. The other two thirds will end online
Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch
To help prevent teen pregnancy. High schools should hand out a C.D. of a crying baby instead of comdoms.
Ths girl tweeted "your adorable" and I tweeted back "no, YOU'RE adorable" and now I think she completely missed the typo
Some guy knocked on my door earlier today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I replied, "You've got the wrong house then mate."
My New Years resolution for losing weight starts in February 2018, January was spent looking for a decent diet plan ! #strong 