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The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks. I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day. 
I occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked.. but that’s rare.
I'm such a procrastinator, I'm just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Felt something cold and wet on my arm, damn mosquito used an alcohol wipe before he bit me.
Having some states lockdown, and some states not lockdown is like having a peeing section in the pool.
Everyone here is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
This social distancing is stressing out the flat-earthers I’m afraid it may push them over the edge!
Since it is actually impossible to know which part of my life is the middle, I've decided to have a on-going crisis.
Beavers don't go to heaven. In the afterlife they are sent to eternal dam nation.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I don’t buy the dinosaur chicken nuggets because they’ve already been through enough already.
I called the vet. and told him that my wife willbe dropping by with our old cat. Can you euthanizer her without any pain? Sure he said, but will the cat find it's way back home alone?
It's not the constant thought or fear of death that keeps me awake at night. It's usually grandma's Jalapeno flavored meatloaf!
If you want me to go running with you I will need some motivation. Like a clown waving a bloody knife chasing after us.
I'm sure getting kicked in the balls is more painful than pregnancy. How many men do you hear say in 12 months, "I want another one!"
Charity should be anonymous. That is why I donate to strippers going to college, they have NO clue who I am.
You can learn a lot about a person by collecting hair from their hairbrush and giving it to a voodoo priestess
I like it when I'm accidentally a genius.
Listen here, Life isn't measured by how many likes we get, but rather the moments that take our likes away
I want a version of Baywatch with only fat people in it. 