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Perhaps Bieber wouldn't need to vandalize walls with graffiti if the restaurants that he goes to would offer him a coloring menu with crayons 
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we're fucked.
Whoever said, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" clearly had no idea how to give a stellar blow job.
I love Pandas, They're so chill. They're like "Dude, racism is stupid. I'm white, Black, & Asian..."
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent an idiot from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
When I push the soap dispenser and it's empty I usually pretend it wasn't and wash my hands with the ghost soap that came out.
Why can't braille just be in the shape of the letters?
Stop it with this political BS. I haven't stolen and posted a descent item in months
Today, I was told I was being too patronising which means I was treating them like they were stupid.
The problem with being young is sometimes we don't stop to think, the problem with getter older is sometimes we forget what we were thinking about.
Ok honey don't freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad "iPhone 5S for $1 only"
CNN Breaking news: Due to Government Shutdown, all the aliens in Area 51 have been released......
Now, show me on the doll where the Government touched you...
Just finished charging my iPhone. Lets see how long the battery la
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea's TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
I'm old enough to remember when a selfie was some lotion and a box of Kleenex.
Go home North Korea, you're drunk!
I don't regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren't on those bridges when I burned them. 