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My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂 
Yeah, you’re made of star stuff, but so is garbage, so calm down.
A satisfied life is better than a successful life. Because our success is measured by others, our satisfaction is measured by our own hearts, minds, and souls.
You wanna listen to some Pop Country, or would you rather go to China and lick some doorknobs?
The only intelligent tactical response to life’s horrors, is to laugh defiantly at it.
Re-reading my own post every time someone likes it. “Ah yes, quality content.”
Dear plexiglass, thank you for protecting me from the cashier who just touched everything I’m taking home.
When your girl takes her top off, but the antidepressants have killed your sex drive. Boobies, yes, I remember.
Tried to spoon a tall girl once and felt like a backpack.
My wife set parental controls on Netflix because I watched a show without her.
Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You’re one of them.
Hate it when artists get on Twitter to tell us that we’re singing the lyrics wrong. If 80 thousand of us are saying the same thing, maybe YOU’RE wrong.
2020 We aren’t allowed to go in public. 2022 We can’t afford to go in public.
Started investing in stocks: Chicken, Beef, Vegetable… One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
At the store: “OMG haven’t seen you in forever! Let’s stand in everyone’s way!”
Sharks can outswim you, but you can outrun sharks. So, it all comes down to who’s the fastest cyclist.
That mini heart attack when you can’t find spaghetti in your pocket.
Hangry ~ A state of anger caused by lack of food.
It’s ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall. When it rang, I’d pick it up not knowing who was calling. Amazing I’m still alive. 