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Sometimes I make posts set to “only me.” That stuff is between me and the Feds. 
Your call is very important to us, please hold while we disconnect your call. ~ AT&T
You think you’ve got it rough? Imagine being a trapeze artist with diarrhea.
Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize that they meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.
Your spouse is the best person to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone, because they’re not even listening.
Aside from “life is short,” what other spurts of insanity do you use before making bad decisions?
Got a new book, “How to make gasoline at home.”
When she’s telling you all about her problems. Sounds like you need some D.
Johnny Depp is the one guy that could've used an amber alert.
Doctor: Says here you get offended by strangers on the internet. I’m writing you a prescription for two testicles.
Girls in 2012: touch my butt and buy me pizza. Girls in 2022: choke me and hit me with your car.
Were you a kid who stirred their ice cream with a spoon until it was soup, or were you normal?
I’m sorry, the internet has ruined me. Whenever you say “shingles,” all I see in my head is Sean Connery scrolling through a dating app.
The opinion of 10,000 men is of no value if none of them know anything about the subject.
It doesn’t feel like I’m getting older. It’s more like my warranty has expired.
My fitness trainer asked what kind of squats I’m accustomed to doing. I said, Diddly.
When they can no longer control you, they will try to control what others think of you.
The closer the collapse of an empire, the crazier it’s laws.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you’re afraid to live your life, then you have already died. 